How to stay sane during the Xmas frenzy

A very funny article by Seth Brown- One Jew's Guide to a Merry X-Mas

Casting Call

A&E's latest project is looking for a couple (ages 25-45) where the wife/girlfriend will play various pranks on her significant other under the watching eyes of hidden cameras over the course of a weekend. Pranks like convincing him to watch a chick movie over the football game, etc. Candidates must be together for a minimum of 8 months, the longer the better, and live in the tri-state area (tho not in Manhattan burough). Auditions will be in NYC some time in the next three weeks. If you can keep a secret and not spill it to him now, or any time before the big reveal, then send an email as to why you should be considered along with a picture of you both to Robert Russell at warnerbroscasting1@yahoo.com.

From Cynopsis

Neopolitan Mastiff

The AKC has just recently allowed the Neopolitan Mastiff to compete in the blue-blood National Dog Show.
How could you not love this alien-like face?

Reasons not to stay friends with your Ex- love

What to do? My ex-boyfriend (we'll call him Z.) has recently declared his intent to either meet a woman worthy of him or try to patch things up with me. When he annouced these intentions I could do nothing other than laugh uncontrolably. I couldn't help it. I was in shock. He has spent the last year or so talking about how I am not what he "wants in a wife" ( as you can tell we are still friends, neighbors, to be exact). I have spent the past year or so trying to move on romantically. And now this.

I am still in shock. More on this (potentially) humorous situation when I recover.

Befuddled

I am annoyed. (PMS may be a contributor to this. May be.) I am also befuddled.

X again.

It seemed to me that we had plans for today. Now I get a call that he has to go to his parents' house for dinner (Turkey, a mere 3 days after Thanksgiving?). What irks me is that he waited until now (about 5pm) while on the drive there to tell me. It would have been polite to let me know earlier.
Then he used the phrase "when you're single" it is tougher to get out of familial obligations. (To clarify, one sibling may not be joining the post-Turkey Day turkey dinner because her kids have school tomorrow or something).

OK. That was all I needed to know about the status of things. (see previous post about roles)

I am now confused. Usually when confused I have no qualms about being forward and seeking answers.....except in situations like this. I hesitate because I have no desire for said answer seeking to be turned into a 'we-need-to-talk' moment (the kind that all men run screaming from). For the record, I don't like having those kind of discussions any more than a man does. I find them awkward and feel that they almost never turn out well (at least for me).

Yet me being me I have an urge to purge these feelings. This blog is a handy outlet sometimes. If only it could talk back....or feel more interactive somehow......

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

And so cheery looking!


urban asshole notification cards



(Thanks Vendelacity )

Den of Iniquity

I went to a strip club last night. It was my first time (something that all the dancers seemed to pick up on). I went with 4 friends (1 female, 3 male). I was the only strip club newbie among my group. It was quite an experience.

The Club

The club was situated in the very industrial harbor section of our city (my friend J. refers to it as the 'sex and chemical district' since the majority of the places there either deal with the incoming gas and chemicals being offloaded from the large barges and ships and all manner of Adult Venues). We walked in and to the right was a smallish bar area swarming with shady men and moderately good looking, scantily clad women. Boy did I feel overdressed. To our left were some lounge-like tables and stools and the main dance area. Right behind the bar was a doorway leading to the All Nude room ($10 extra, no thank you). Up stairs was a sports bar area with pool tables, TV's, and a smallish dance stage ("every man's dream" said J., "sports and naked women").
My friend and I went to the Ladies Room, where she almost walked in on a dancer snorting something in a stall. Then said dancer exited and asked us what time it was. My friend responded that it was 10:30pm, and then inquired as to when the dancer's (clad in a white bikini-like set, slightly heavier than average, not terribly perky breasts, but real ones) shift was over. The Lady in White said something that did not quite make sense and which we took to mean as she was not sure. An interesting start.
We then joined our male friends nearer to the stage. And when I say stage I mean raised platform with barstools around it where average-looking women gyrated practically on top of the customers (and in the case of one particularly talented woman doing a backflip-like move so that she and her client were roughly approximating the "69" position). At first we sat sort of above the stage area and observed, eventually making our way down to the stage.
The first dancer to approach us along the barrier (did I mention that contact b/w dancer and patron was not frowned upon at this particular club, as long as the patron did not get too touchy?) was our friend from the bathroom. She gyrated over and greeted me, then asked if this was my first time at a strip club (a question that I was asked a lot that night by club employees). I said that It was. Then the Lady in White shook her very ample, but very beautiful, behind in front of J. and I, then kindly buried our heads in her bosom. This seemed the standard operating procedure at that place (one girl later told me that they were rather lax about that, as oong as the patron "didn't stick his fingers anywhere"). We spent the next few hours floating back and forth between the stage (when the women dancing there were attractive to us) and the rest of the first floor.
My friend, J., seemed to have a fascination with smaller breasted women (though he is a self proclaimed 'ass man' overall). he found one woman in particular rather attractive, reminding him of a naughty secretary (smart looking, with long, straight brown hair, cool glasses, perky tits). We later ran into her upstairs and the boys decided to buy me a lap dance from her, since there is only one first time at a strip club. Sadly, they were not allowed to watch, though I do think that just imagining this gorgeous woman gyrating on top of me was enough for them.

The Lap Dance

The Naughty Secretary escorted me downstairs, to a room behind the area above the main stage. It was rectangular, and lined with soft benches that created 3 or 4 C-shaped areas. Not very private. The rules were explained to me- one song, light touching is OK, but no sticking my fingers anywhere (I should mention that you get a choice of topless or all nude lap dances, the boys had chosen topless for me). She seemed more real and well, sober, than some of the others and we chatted about her work at the club (been doing this for a few years), the other girls (turns out that they make fun of the ones with bad, spherical boob jobs), the customers (mainly nice, but some assholes), sexuality in general (we both find labels of any sort distasteful). There was some sort of awkward thing going on between the customer and stripper at the area next to us. When I asked what was going on, Naught Secretary replied that she was not sure, but that she tried to stay away from the kind of weird stuff that seemed to go on around us. I found our new secretarial friend to be very cool, and very different from the other dancers. I got this vibe that reminded me of my hippie friends from college who would run around naked at the drop of a hat (especially if it involved a Phish concert or natural pool of water). In conclusion, a great first lap dance (well...considering that I have nothing to compare it to).
After that J. and his girlfriend, S., bought a lap dance form her. Well, S. had one and for a little bit extra $$ J. got to watch. They returned rather pleased.

The Awkward Moment

So, at one point upstairs I think that I saw someone that I work with. A fellow 20-something who works in another department (if it was him). I didn't want to go over and say "Jon Doe, is that you?" and be totally wrong. Especially while he had some woman's ass in his face. And it seemed that talking to other patrons that you did not come with was slightly frowned upon. Men (and 2 other women, besides S. and myself) seemed to move in their own cirlces, not really interact unless they needed to. I am pondering whether or not to broach the subject with said co-worker should I see him on Monday. (Any suggestions?).

All in all, I don't see many more visits to a strip club anytime soon (unless in Canada, where I hear they are really high class and spectacular). It was an experience. I'm glad I did it.
And you only live once.

Role play

Slightly flush from sangria. Just back from dinner with X. Things have been going well, despite our mismatched work schedules. Seeing me seemed to have brightened his evening, after a long stressful day at work for him, at least I think so...he did not disagree when I said something of the sort...of course he could just be a good liar....

That's the thing about new relationship-ish situations (I hesitate to call this anything full fledged at the moment)- they make me slightly insecure. They also remind me once again of all the flaws that I might have that my friends currently ignore, b/c, as someone once said “friendship is when people know all about you but like you anyway”. I hate to be so girly and insecure about things, wondering what he thinks or if I am tipping my hand. I hate to give up my edge, if and when I have one. But then I take a deep breath and remind myself that he is not perfect either. Everyone has flaws. And that this is not about power.

[Besides, some might say that women really wear the pants in a realitionship, since we control the access to the sex.]


My doubts also lie with X himself. I wonder:

• Is he too set in his ways?
• A bachelor too long (is it really too long at age 30)?
• His schedule too odd to permit anything resembling normalcy (for him and/or for me)?
• If I do indeed fit into his life, what role does he see me in?

Jew Shirts

Via Jewschool I found these awsomely wicked t-shirts.

A Carnival In My Head

I’m coming out of the closet. I have ADD. I was diagnosed about 10 years ago, when I was 15. I once read a great description of what it’s like to have ADD- that even when I appear to be at my most serene there is a carnival going on inside my head.

It’s not like my “official” diagnosis was a shock to my parents. I had always been rather, um, energetic and restless (there are pictures of my mom sitting with me in the rocker she used while nursing where you can see the playing cards that my parents taped to the head rest for when I was being burped- if I had nothing to look at I would start screaming…..or so they tell me).

There are both good things about having ADD (creativity, passion, energy, the ability to think outside the box) and frustrating things (getting bored easily, being impatient, the inability to streamline my thought process, speaking before thinking, having trouble visualizing exactly what this entry should look like w/o veering off-topic too much).

Let me circle back around to what I had planned as the main point here:

There have been many advances in the care and feeding of the ADD child since I was a kid. There is even a company that lists the top 10 toys for ADHD children. Somehow I feel that this might be overkill. I made it through an entire ADD childhood with out any special toys. Granted I did not like less stimulating games, like chess and most board games (no patience on my part to have to wait my turn) and opted to spend a lot of time playing with Barbie (‘creative, open-ended play’ as today’s kiddy shrinks might call it) or running around outside climbing on things and exploring (I once got my head stuck between the bars of a neighbors stair rail and was eventually freed by the mailman). But there were no ‘special’ toys. I certainly have always felt different from my peers (even when I was little, way before being officially pronounced as someone who has a ‘disorder’). But at least we had the same toys.

Which brings me to a question- does having such a category of toys make life as an ADD child easier? Or does it make a child more stigmatized, branded as ‘different’ or ‘special’?

News Organizations Push For Federal Shield Law

Media groups troubled by R.I. reporter's conviction


News Organizations Push For Federal Shield Law

First impressions are everything.

VENDELA’S TOP 10 WORST INTERNET BLIND DATE “FIRST IMPRESSIONS”

Very funny. Very true to life (sadly).

Freedom of the press in danger! WATCH TONIGHT!

http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/lou.dobbs.tonight/

http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/paula.zahn.now/index.html

Someone really doesn't like turkey

http://www.woio.com/Global/story.asp?S=2583080

Turkey?

I have come to the conclusion that I don't much like Thanksgiving food. Thanksgiving, the day itself, is a fine concept- a nondenominational holiday set aside to remind us to give thanks for what we have. But the food? Turkey is about the most boring meat that there is and is tolerable only if it has not been overcooked. To cover the blandness of the turkey most people turn to gravy.

Gravy is a hit or miss item. Some gravy is fabulous and savory. Other times gravy is just thick and salty. Stuffing is also hit or miss. Basic stuffing is great. Sometimes it seems that the chef will get a bit overconfident and toss in raisins (ew I don't like 'em even if they are nature's candy) or too many onions or apples that make it just too sweet.Vegtable choices seem to vary by table. Some families throw one or two on out of obligation. Others do elaborate veggie spreads (which seems proportional to number of vegetarians in attendance).

Growing up, Thanksgiving meant going to my dad's and spending the holiday with my stepmom's family, all of whom are lovely people, but mainly average cooks (with the exception of one uncle of Italian descent, married into the family, obviously). Until the my mid teenage years my dad seemed to spend a lot of the meal pleading with me to eat more than just the mashed potatoes and dinner rolls. Appetizer were fabulous- fancy crackers and chips and cheeses... and the only-on-special-occasions Shrimp Cocktail(....I should mention now that my stepmom is Catholic). Dessert was heavenly- cookies, pies, cakes, and sometimes even ice cream.

But the actual Thanksgiving meal of turkey and trimmings? Eh. Give me a steak any day.

Kosher sex, my way.

Brilliant essay by Bex about the Bad Girl Jew. It is smart, satirical, and so dead on. I particularly enjoyed the part about the Yin-Yang of the B.G.J. I myself have been told that I am both irresistible and annoying. (It was a "thank you...I think..." moment for sure) .

I have always thought of Judaism as a sex positive religion. (At least compared to Catholicism and Islam). I have also always thought of myself as a sex positive person. My parents never gave me the impression that sex was bad or something to be ashamed of. They just warned me that sex is powerful and not to ever use it as a weapon (when this phrase was trotted out I would get some sort of mental image of some poor soul fainting away in front of me going "nooooo! The sex was just too good!") and would every once in a while remind me that "boys have feelings too". My mom is from the counterculture/hippie school of feminism, which seems to believe that women should never use their bodies or their sexuality to accomplish things. While sex sure doesn't pay my rent, I'm not going to ignore the fact that I seem to get decent service at Radio Shack and Best Buy b/c I'm a pretty gal in my 20's. My dad never really had much to say on the subject. Not in a repressed way. Just in a this-is-an-area-best-suited-for-your-mother/stepmother way.

So I blossomed into a rather open minded young lady who is quite comfortable discussing sex. With almost anyone. In college so many strangers opened up to me about their sex lives that friends would joke that I should become a sex therapist or researcher of some sort. I try not to be judgmental- just b/c I might not enjoy a certain act does not necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with it, as long as it is consentual. I don't quite understand what is such a turn on about feet, but if you want to give me endless foot massages I'm probably not going to object.

Do people fetishize Jews the way that they might Asians or African-Americans? Maybe.
I have a good friend (raised as a UU) whose brother seems to only date Jewish women, in particular women born in Israel. I suggested that they get him a t-shirt that says 'I brake for sabras'.

10 things

TEN THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

By Maria Bartiromo, Esquire magazine, 11/17/2004

1. All women can easily locate the telephone number of any ex-boyfriend.
2. We understand "Futures and options" better than you do.
3. Even when we're blindfolded, even when you're wearing sunglasses, even in the pitch black of night, we can always tell is you just ogled another woman.
4. Otis Redding said it perfectly: Try a little tenderness.
5. You will never know the actual number of men she's been with. And it's probably better that way.
6. Through a little practice and thousands of years of evolution, the female species has mastered the art of convincing men that it was you, not us, who made the last decision.
7. Making us wait for your call does not make us more interested; it just makes you seem painfully slow.
8. When you tell a woman not to worry her pretty little head" about it, be prepared to watch her pretty little tail walk out the door.
9. We're good at forgiving. Not so god about forgetting.
10. When we predict rapid growth and explosive performance, we may not be talking about your stock portfolio.

Maria Bartiromo is the host and managing editor of the nationally syndicated "Wall Street Journal Report."

Do you want to strut your stuff on national TV?

A casting call for all you wannabe strippers:

Think "Nearly Full Monty" for this one. VH1 is looking to cast
American Guys (working title). That is good looking guys from all walks of
life, all backgrounds, to be part of a 6-month traveling male stripping
troupe. Yes, you heard me: male stripping troupe. No previous
stripping experience required (I figured you were worried). This all male
revue was created by Billy Cross, who will be traveling the country along with
Rachel Perry of VH1, in search of 8 guys who are interested in strutting their
stuff. You need to be over 18 and willing to prove yourself at an
audition. For more information, go to www.vh1americanguys.com (go
ahead, click on it, we won't watch).

(Thank you Cynopsis)

Big pimpin'

As if real pimps (gold Caddy, purple fedora, fab fur coat) aren't bad enough, now there's the panty pimp: (as seen on Craigslist).

How would you like to make some money and have fun too? Just looking for a
girl that might have a little of an Exhibitionist streak in her. There are
many
guys out there that will pay for your worn panties! I have helped many
girls
make $500+ in a day/night selling worn panties. I have a place to do
this from
and if you supply the panties I only ask for 15% of what you take
in .... if I
front the $$ and we go to Victorias secret to get the panties
then I ask for 25%
Its easy ..... the guys dont touch you ..... they watch
you take the panties off
and give them a 10 - 15 minute masturbation show
and they may or may not
masturbate themselves. Its really easy money
considering the will pay $50 - $100
for this!!

The Discovery Phase

I have to admit that I wonder why X is currently unattached. He’s a little bit older than me (early 30’s), has all his hair, is good looking, owns his own house, seems to come from a nice family, has a good job…I can’t help but wonder if there is a defective quality that I’m missing? The discovery phase of dating can be a dual-edged sword. You might learn that your new love interest spent their spring break building houses in Appalachia. Or that they spent it making their own version of Girls Gone Wild: Cancun.

Passion...And Aggression...And Dating...Part II

Things have settled down a bit from last Thursday. Over the weekend communications resumed with X and we went out last night. He seemed to have sensed that canceling so last minute on Thursday had upset/annoyed me. Made it up to me with a nice dinner, followed by watching a movie at his house (much better than my house, with the passive-aggressive roommate).
I wonder what will become of this?

To email or not to email?

As you can tell by the title of this post I am pondering the appropritaness of email X to tell him that I was disappionted about tonight. I guess I would make a bad passive-aggressive person, as I feel this need to tell him how I feel. For some reason I could not on the phone tonight (cell phones are no good for communication sometimes- all those deadspots on a highway can really kill the nuances of a conversation). And this would not be to bitch him out about tonight, but rather to convey my disappointment and at the same time not seem distant and unfeeling (as I have sometimes been accused of in the past).

When it comes to gender relations, where is that fine line between coming off as too needy or too aloof?

Passion.....And aggression....And dating.....

I am now sitting home and writing this b/c my date tonight, with (for lack of a better pseudonym) X, was cancelled. And I was actually looking fwd to it. I usually don't let myself get caught up in all those girly kinds of feelings (I even shaved my legs) because it seems that when I do things do not turn out well.

Last week we went out and a good time was had by all. What began as an evening of dinner with a friend whom I had not seen in a while slowly turned into something rather date-like (and not in that weird way when a friend likes you more then you like them, or vice-versa). The conversation flowed, the chemistry was good, the kiss at the end of the night even better.

So, was X really tired? Or was that just a convenient excuse? (Or am I just being slightly neurotic?). He said we should try for tomorrow night (when he knew that I already had plans with friends), and maybe meet up for a drink after that.....That's really what a gal wants to hear. It just smacks of 'friend'.

I am not a passive-aggressive person by nature. But this one time I heard myself saying things like "sure, if you want to" (call me tomorrow that is), "yeah, maybe" (we'll have a drink tomorrow). Is it too late for a tiger to change her stripes?


I guess I'll just have to wait and see if he really cares to make it up to me (a phrase that he did not use when canceling- things seeming gloomier).

Current mood: disappointed, annoyed, rejected, confused, slightly hurt

Freedom of the press?

You decide.

Our Not-So-Free Press

G-d apparently loves Republicans

From The Morning Call -- November 8, 2004

Jesus speaks through the Republicans

I hope the election of George W. Bush is seen as a wake-up call to all
the liberal Democrats who oppose God's will. It is His doing that George W. Bush
is still our president. Millions of born-again Christians helped win this
election through our prayers and votes. Jesus speaks through the Republicans.The
Democrats will not be able to win elections until they renounce their sinful
ways and stop encouraging abortions, gayness, and trying to take away our
guns.

Earl Balboa
Washington Township

My favorite part is where Earl is afraid that the Democrats will take away his guns. I bet the Secret Service loves fans of the president who own guns.In a related question- who speaks through the Democrats?

"It's A Sin Not To Do It"

Catholics getting kinky.......

Funny, I don't feel dumb......

This makes me laugh and at the same time makes me feel somewhat dejected.

From the London Daily Mirror .

Fairy tales can come true

Remember the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz?

Biggest Loser, Biggest Winner?

Is it ironic that for sweeps NBC is Supersizing episodes of their show The Biggest Loser?